we'll die from cold age

i’m sorry, cold—age tumblr page. i use you to vent. but quite frankly i’m feeling quite lonely right now because the only person i truly want to talk to has been too busy to call me. or just too cool.

there’s so much more i want to say but even this page isn’t safe for that anymore. how fucking stupid is that.

i’m sick of being small time. i hate feeling like i am and i hate getting walked all over the place by people that don’t understand or look down at what i say that i do.

you can say yes. i’m having doubts about my college schooling. music is what i live on, and going to an art school to become a visual artist isn’t something i’m good at. let alone a animator or whatever. maybe that’s why i’m going to school for it. i’m having one of those “what am i doing?” moments. more like “fuck this. i should drop all of this and just practice music for hours every damn day. i’ll pay my dues and make it big from that!”

and even after school is over, i’m still young. i’ve got an enormous skill set and a degree with networks. i just want to tour, to be in a studio. how silly this must seem to some people.

fuck. i have to focus though. for one, i have homework already and there’s no room to fuck around this year. and another, the band’s ep is coming out this month. 

this, to me, sits high on the throne of life’s disappointments. when you are so ready to do something. to complete something, to finish a project. ready to be with someone. ready and willing. and when you get there, it doesn’t happen. it “doesn’t work out”. there isn’t enough time. it’s bad timing. it just didn’t complete itself. and it has nothing to do with you.

just as the definition dictates, being so prepared from months and months of anticipation. i can say years of practice and diligence has brought me here. preparing mentally, being kept up nights, daydreaming. physically giving what you have and what you own to a goal, a finish line. when you walk miles and miles on foot watching all the dollars and hours fly through sleeves of minutes passing, you are stuck at the front door without a way in. because someone else you depended on was supposed unlock the door. you know what you’ve been working for is on the other side, separated by mere dense inches.

life’s most disappointing character flaw: if it was up to you and you alone, it would’ve been done and finished. but because you had faith and depended on others, it sits on the table, idle.

as every waking moment in my walk through life passes, i have doubts and un-easy moments of feeling like maybe these dreams i have won’t come true. both because i’m working hard enough for it and also the powers to be aren’t going to care. i see people really trying and people doing it all really well. but i just hope that isn’t me? i hope that 

i hope that someday and someday soon, i will be in an obscure city in the middle of tour, having a beer and a cigarette with friends and supporters outside the venue. who knows what the future holds? all i have to do is to do all i can and give everything i have. i’m not at full-capacity of my powers.

hope is a good thing. discipline passion and hard-work are good things too.